One year ago today I sat with my journal and poured my heart out. 2009 was a year I longed to forget and the words I penned are testament to how strongly I felt. As I re-read the page, I thought "what a downer!!" I was almost embarrassed to admit those sentiments were a reflection of what was in my soul. Needless to say I was in a bad place.


"12-31-09~Sitting here before the clock strikes midnight and we begin a new year and end a decade. Holding out hope that this new one will not resemble the last. Wishing for a respite from the constant slugging away day after day to see no progress. Hoping for the end of month after month of broken dreams and sad hearts. Begging God for a new lease on life where the good times will last longer than the bad ones. Dying for a breakthrough where God puts an end to old, destructive thought patterns and breathes new life into this heart that can't take another morsel of sadness or bad news or disappointment."


I definitely don't feel as hopeless as last year and God did come through in many of the ways I asked. But it's always good to reflect on where we've been but more important to focus on where we're going. A couple days ago, my daily email from Internet Cafe Devotions was all about this very subject. As I scrolled through the message, I loved the questions she posed at the end. A perfect combination of considering the past while focusing on the future. Two nights ago I had a belated Christmas celebration with my BFF's where we went around the room and answered these questions. I won't share theirs but I'm happy to divulge mine. Maybe you'd like to do the same?


1. What was the one thing that brought you joy this year?


Watching Ian come into his own. The last half of the year he blossomed in every area of his life-socially, academically and athletically. It was heart warming to see.


2. What was the biggest challenge you faced? What were the results? Is there something you could have done differently?


Juggling school, work and home. The results were straight A's, money to pay tuition and a very messy house. I could have asked for more help from others and not felt guilty about it.



3. What were you most afraid of?


Hearing "Honey, I've been let go". I think I'm always afraid of this. Something I continually lay down over and over, year after year.





4. What was the greatest lesson the Lord taught you?


That I need to worry about what he has called me to, use my gifts the way he is asking and not concern myself with other's opinions or how I think they should be using their gifts. When something is glaringly obvious to me, it's hard when others don't have the same enthusiasm as I do. Offering grace and accepting that we are each on our own journey at our own pace is a good lesson for me to take to heart.






5. Is the Lord asking you to leave some things behind as the year ends?


Yes. Many things but the biggest one is the belief that I am not deserving of spending time and money on. The martyr role I have taken on since becoming a mother makes it hard for me to justify fussing over myself without feeling selfish. I always talk myself out of most every personal purchase because there are always so many more pressing needs in our family: tires for the car, new cleats, dentist visits, etc. I want to leave behind the guilt I carry when I do indulge from time to time.




6. Are there any changes you feel the Lord is asking you to make in the new year?


Definitely to slow down. Since 2005, I've been asking for a theme from God for each coming year. Last year it was patience and this year it is slowing down and enjoying the process-no matter what that process is. I tend to want to check things off my list and move on to the next thing. I live life in a hurry because there's always a deadline looming. I know God is asking me to take the time to do things right, even if it takes a little longer.

Finally, I wish I could take credit for this awesome quote but it was at the end of these questions and I absolutely loved it........

"As we move into the unknown wonders of 2011, may His abiding love fill you, His purposes compel you and His indescribable peace surround you."

Last Friday marked my the final day of Fall quarter 2010. Although I was only taking one 5 credit class online (American Literature-yawn.) it felt like a full load. If it was just me as a 19 year old college student there would have been no excuses or whining. But add a 15 hour-a-week job and a very active family and now you know why I've only been on here a handful of visits.

But.........I reluctantly peeked at the online learning board for one last time before I closed up shop and I couldn't believe my eyes. The grade for my final paper: 100%!!! I about fell out of my chair. Yes, I worked very hard and stressed out and yelled and screamed at every member of my family and cried about what a mistake I made trying to fit it all in but I certainly wasn't expecting that as a result. Wow. In my entire college career this has NEVER happened to me. I've had some low to mid 90 scores here and there but 100? Like I said: never.

As much as I'd like to give myself credit I do have to say that this time around I find the instructors go a little easier on their students. I know I'm much more focused than 20 years ago but I still don't think I'm doing that caliber of work. In the late 80's most of my professors were born in the 30's and 40's and their style reflected their hard core work ethic. Not that anything is wrong with high expectations but their demands were a little unrealistic. Most of my peers agree that no matter whether you were taking a 5 credit or 3 credit class, they wanted you to treat it as if it was your only one. As I noticed this summer, today's educators are a little more reasonable and realistic. They accept the fact that you have a lot more on your plate than just their class and make amends to the syllabus to reflect that. It could also be that I went summer quarter--which is always more laid back-- and now I'm at a community college where 90% of the students are commuters and part or full-time workers.

Whatever the reason is, I'll take the "A".

Just a few days after Ben's birthday post, in which I shared some of my most favorite quips from him, he added another one to the record books. I couldn't wait until next year's birthday to share it.

On the way to school last Monday, he commented that his music teacher often uses the word "retard". I found out later what he was referring to was the term "ritard" which means to slow down the tempo of your music. After I questioned him, he insisted she let them say this word too. He then paused and said, "Hmmph.... a Christian school and you can say "retard" AND
"hell".

Oh Ben, you bring such comic relief to my days. Big smile.

It's so hard to believe that our baby boy is inching closer to the double digits. This little guy made our family complete 9 years ago and daily he continues to infuse joy and laughter into our home. He has such a way of bringing a smile to your face with his impish grin and silly sense of humor. In fact, this year I kept track of a few quotes that came out of his mouth during the last few months. They still make me chuckle as I read them.

• Back in February I gave his oldest brother permission to walk to a birthday party with another girl from his class. When Ben got word of this, he looked at me incredulously and asked: "Are you okay with that???"

• After a day trip to Vancouver, B.C., we stopped in at Costco. While in line I handed him a $10 Canadian bill to get smoothies at the snack bar. His eyes got real big and he asked: "You can use Canada money here????" As if we were committing a crime.

• Recently I was preparing to make pancakes and plugged the griddle in on the kitchen island. He was sitting on the barstool watching and said: "Wow, I didn't know electricity could do so many nice things for us."

• This is my all-time favorite: Quinn had started to like a classmate and was downstairs asking my husband to reiterate our dating rules. Ben and I were hanging out in my room when Ian came up to inform me that 'Quinn was trying to talk Dad out of the not dating until 16 rule' when Ben chimed in: "I'm so glad you guys made the rule to be 16 to date cause then I'll be driving. I wouldn't want my mom and dad to have to drive us and my girlfriend think I'm a total loser!"
  

I got a text from a friend tonight asking how my birthday was. My response? "It was perfect." It really was. Filled with all the things I love: football, flowers, friends, family and food and fun. It couldn't get any better than this. Well maybe if all of the above happened on an island in Hawaii.....I'm just sayin'...

This year's birthday fell on a Saturday. The first Saturday of the season in which all three boys' games were in town-- and the times did not conflict. My mom, Auntie Carolyn (mom's BFF), my sister, brother-in-law and nephew all came up from Seattle to see the boys play and celebrate our October birthdays.

The first match-up began @ 9:00 a.m. on the big city football field. Ian did not disappoint. With three minutes left in the game, while trailing by 7, all 79 pounds of him broke away and ran 25 yards for a touchdown. Obviously I was too excited to get a photo. Unfortunately the extra point (that he was attempting) resulted in a blocked kick and that was the end. A tough loss but we all enjoyed his shining moment.

Next stop: Ben's game @ 10:30. Ben was on the sidelines sulking as we arrived. When I inquired about the tears, he divulged he was mad at the coach: "Dad". Apparently this tough coach calls all the hard plays when Ben is QB. After halftime he channeled his anger into a show off moment for his proud extended family. Again, I was too excited to snap a picture.

We came back to the house for a delicious lunch of Round Table pizza and Dairy Queen Blizzard cakes and we were off again to stop #3: Quinn's soccer game. I'm sure he felt the pressure to perform after his brother's command performances ( no competition around these parts) but it just didn't happen. They ended up with a 1-1 tie which is better than they've fared most of the season. We said goodbye to everyone and ended the evening with a delicious dinner out with my sweet husband. (We were home by 9:30 and asleep by 9:45. ) The wish of feeling younger doesn't appear to be panning out.

Not enough room on Dana's cake for all those candles so we'll stick them on Ben's.

Make a wish!

Still smiling after the game

All the October birthdays together

Last month we did our 'every other year' family photos. Now that I look at them I have another dilemma: time to change the colors on the blog. Darn.

Until I figure out how to do that, I thought I'd share my faves. Such darling subjects if I might say so myself.

From the time I gave birth to my first son, I quickly learned that I was proliferating the less-preferred gender. Rarely has a week gone by since then that I haven't been reminded of society's bias toward testosterone and those who are full of it. After my second son was born, someone commented to me: "you had the wrong baby". Following the ultrasound, where we discovered we were having boy #3, the typical response I heard was "Awwwww." As in: "you poor thing."

Of course I wanted to have the experience of raising a daughter. As a little girl, I used to play with my doll and daydream of my future with a house full of sugar and spice and everything nice. As a young adult, I warmed up to the idea of "one of each" or maybe "two of each". Instead, I got "three of one." Not once have I ever doubted that God knew exactly what he was doing in charging me with the responsibility of raising young men. But I have to admit that sometimes the anti-boy sentiment can be a little much. And it's so accepted. Especially in the school system.

Consider this: At our first back-to-school night's this year, the staff was being introduced to the audience of parents. As the woman at the microphone went down the list, she made sure to point out that one class of 18 had 13 boys. "And won't that teacher need to have a lot of patience?!," she said as the crowd burst into laughter.
Last week we went to a middle school open house. We arrived late and the parents had already been dismissed to visit their student's classrooms. The only authoritative- looking person I saw was at a PTA volunteer sign-up table. When I questioned where we were to go, she said: "Well if you have a girl then I'm sure she brought her schedule home for you. But if you have a boy, then you probably need to go in the office and get his." What??? Even if it is true, why is it necessary to make such statements?

I don't want to sound like "sour grapes" because, quite honestly, I had the same attitude before I became a mother of sons. I grew up in a female dominated family and spent a lot of time with my sister and girl cousins. Our neighborhood had a 5 to 1 male to female ratio and all outdoor play was dominated by any activity ending in "ball". The boys always got their way. I babysat a lot of boys but all that did was reinforce my desire for an overdose of pink. Yet, based on my own parenting experience, I have found many reasons to celebrate the differences between boys and girls. I just wish others could do the same.

To make sure this wasn't just me having a little pity party, I did some research into the anti-boy bias of which I'm speaking and found a few books written on the subject. Two authors that I stumbled upon both identified the school system as having the biggest influence on this attitude. Funny how this is where I've felt the bias the most. In her book Save the Males: Why Men Matter. Why Women Should Care, Kathleen Parker states: "Fourteen years isn’t long to roam the earth, but boys learn early that they belong to the “bad” sex and their female counterparts to the “good.” For many, their indoctrination starts the moment they begin school and observe that teachers (who are, for the most part, females) prefer less rambunctious girl behavior."

In Bringing Up Boys, Dr. James Dobson says: "Almost every authority on child development recognizes that schools are typically not set up to accommodate the unique needs of boys. Elementary classrooms, especially, are designed primarily by women to fit the temperament and learning styles of girls." In Dobson's book he quotes psychologist Michael Thompson, author of Raising Cain: Protecting the Emotional Life of Boys. Thompson expresses his concern about how boys are being treated in the classroom. He said, "Boys feel like school is a game rigged against them. The things which they excel--gross motor skills, visual and spacial skills, their exuberance--do not find as good a reception in school."

So maybe it's just not me. I am the first to admit that boys can be more challenging to raise--and teach. But that doesn't automatically mean girls are superior. We are all created equal. Just not the same. Now wouldn't that be a good lesson to include in the textbooks?

When we moved back to the Northwest almost 10 years ago, I left Charlotte, North Carolina kicking and screaming. We had started our family, made good friends, were involved in a great church and lived in a desirable neighborhood. We were settled. Going back to where I went to college was never on the radar. I did not have a stellar university experience and returning to a place of many unpleasant memories never made it to the top of my goal sheet. God clearly had other plans.


In September 2000, we were visiting family and friends here when we bumped into a former colleague of mine from Charlotte. My husband had been unexpectedly removed from his partnership two weeks earlier, but moving away wasn't even a consideration. As we caught up with Jim, and he handed Trey his card with the words "shoot me your resume", I knew in my heart it was a done deal. Three weeks later Trey had a job offer in hand and we relocated before we knew what hit us.


The story went from bad to worse within days of arriving here but I won't get into the details. The first year back on the west coast was pretty miserable. Everyone expected me to be so glad I was "back home". Only the problem was I considered Charlotte my home. I couldn't tell anyone I longed to return to the southeast lest they be offended at their own choices to live here. I was lonely and sad and refused to even look for an ounce of good in my circumstances. As time went on and several job changes and moves ensued I believed that this town was cursed--or we were. As I matured and grew in my walk with God I learned to find contentment and peace in the here and now. I could not deny this was His plan to move us here but that didn't mean I couldn't plan my escape. And I did. In my mind.



As we endured dark, dreary winter after winter, and watched the cost of housing skyrocket, I questioned God's wisdom in putting us somewhere that would wreak havoc on my husband's career and confidence. Somewhere that was not conducive to raising three "outdoor" boys. Somewhere that the culture is juxtaposed to our values. Somewhere that has more espresso stands on every street corner instead of churches. I constantly compared what our life could be like if we lived somewhere that had nice weather for most of the year, we could buy a house on one income and we'd reside in a "red state" not a blue one.


Last month when the boys and I returned to our former "stomping ground" I knew, within two hours, that this was no longer the place for us. It was wonderful to see our friends and show the kids our old house but that's where it ended. I realized that Charlotte hadn't changed. But I had. Everyone has big, beautiful homes, stable careers and all the other luxuries I've had to sacrifice for the last decade. All the things I've pined away for since leaving in January 2001. And yet as I left there it dawned on me that God knew exactly what He was doing--and then some. If we had stayed there, and everything had gone our way, those items I previously mentioned would be controlling my world. I know how I am.


Although this town has not been lucrative for Trey's career, we use our umbrellas more than our sunglasses, we'll probably be renting for the foreseeable future, and we have had more downs than ups, I would not trade it for all that Charlotte has to offer. We would not have the rich family life, close friendships and walk with God we enjoy today if my plan had panned out. I can see now that God was protecting us from ourselves. And we are right where we need to be. Home Sweet Home.

It's been 12 days since the school year began and, thankfully, we seem to be on the other side of the adjustment period. At the end of week one I started to fret about my own upcoming school year. Originally I registered for one 5 credit class online and one 5 credit class on campus. The plan was to attend class MWF and work on Tuesday and Thursday. Two weeks ago I learned that I do not qualify for financial aid--of any kind. I hoped that once I was officially admitted to a "higher learning institution", and I submitted our (pathetic) 2009 tax return, that the rest would be history. Apparently not. That would be too easy. Because I am not following a traditional course of action, i.e.: pursuing an AA or other "approved" program that even a student loan was not an option. Sigh.

I find it quite ironic that I worked all the way through pursuing my Bachelor's, stayed home for most of the last 13 years and am now back in the workforce again as I return to school. When I went back to work it was simply to help with the increasing grocery bill and never-ending sports' costs. Little did I know that the day I started this job I would also be applying to the college of education. I added some more hours this summer (bad idea) to cover tuition. As I looked at the cost of 10 credits, the boys' sports schedule and my work schedule I knew something had to give. My dear friend Julie asked me "what's the hurry? The important part is that you are pursuing your dream. There doesn't need to be a timeline on this." Such profound words and yet so simple. Why was I putting this pressure on myself to get out in a certain period of time? Those voices from 20 years ago have been haunting me since I started down this path. I am not 20 years old. My parents are not footing the bill. I know what I want but I also have a family who needs me to be present during this season. And the reality is that I can't earn enough part-time to cover a full load the next two quarters.

I knew what I needed to do. I went to the computer, logged on to the college's website and deleted the on-campus class. Immediately, a weight lifted off my shoulders and peace flooded my heart. Julie is right. I don't need to be in a hurry. But I do need to keep the momentum of my summer quarter success (I got an "A"!) and not be distracted by all the responsibilities--both real and self-imposed.

Here's to Fall quarter 2010.

Twelve years ago today at 3:43 p.m. Eastern Standard Time, another bouncing baby boy joined our family. This boy is well on his way to becoming a fine young man--and one I am totally crazy about. He brings stability, common sense and adventure to all he does and his exuberance for life and crazy independent streak make him one in a million.

The 2010-11 school year began on Tuesday with much anticipation and trepidation. As is typically the case this time of year, everyone is ready to get back to routine and schedules--especially Mom. This particular September I wasn't as anxious for them to go. Working and going to school this summer did not leave a lot of quality time for us and I didn't get much of a chance to be tired of them. Although they were certainly tired of each other. Plus there were so many changes ahead for everyone. Three kids in three different schools all over town was not the original plan. Last year's middle school fire and Ben's crummy experience at the public elementary school changed that scenario for us. Quinn's class is at a middle school 20 minutes south of us which involves 45 minutes of bus rides each way. Ian's class is at an elementary school 15 minutes east which also involves two bus trips 0r mom driving her non-morning kid. Ben moved to our local Christian school which offers no bus and the mornings are too unpredictable for so many families that a carpool was not an option. Afternoons are a different story, thankfully.

As it turns out, the child I was worried about the most is the happiest and the one I was worried about the least is the most miserable. Quinn has a great group of teachers but no friends in his classes. (we all know how devastating that is to a 13 yr. old) The one teacher I thought Ian would love is "boring and too old" and the pace of middle school math brought him to tears as he tried to share about his day. Ben expressed displeasure all summer about having to change schools and this is the kid who has been grinning from ear to ear all week! Because the school is so small, and has no cafeteria, the students have lunch in their classrooms. Not realizing the reasons why, Ben thinks this is a total perk. "Guess what! We GET TO eat at our desks!" were the first words out of his mouth. Ahhh. At least someone is happy.

By Friday I was wiped out and questioning my wisdom. Should I homeschool Ian? Should we move Quinn to Ben's school? Is anyone ever going to be happy around here? Maybe I should put my own school plans on the backburner until things calm down and everyone's adjusted? Last night I picked up the week's mail and I saw an envelope with a stamp on it. That usually means it's not a bill but instead something happy. Boy did I need "happy". Inside was the sweetest card from my mother-in-law with words that were a gift straight from Heaven. The outside read: "There is simply nothing else in the world more valuable than what you do every day as a mom. Inside it said: "You're doing beautifully--I pray He continues to bless you with wisdom and love." She signed it: "thinking of you and knowing God is pleased. I love you!"

Here's to week 2!

Ian (6th grade) and Ben (3rd grade)

Quinn (8th grade)

Our last 3 days at Camp Erickson were filled with fun, sun and water galore not to mention amazing meals, wonderful conversation and lots of laughter. We are so thankful to our Camp Directors who gave us an unforgettable experience.

My sweet, fun-loving cuz

After playing many rounds of Aggravation we decided it was aggravating

The outdoor pool at the fitness center. The indoors were just as amazing

Last night with the Camp Director Todd

Natalie wanted to be the "director" but Todd didn't look so good in pink

Fun with my boys

The inaguaral week of Camp Erickson

Ben loves his cousin!

Fun at Lake Altoona with their neighbor Savannah. How convenient she was Ian's age and super fun. Ian was quite smitten. Mom approves.

Ben and the Camp Director