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It's time for my 20 Questions for 2012. It was a good year of growth, celebration and making memories.  I love looking back and seeing how God has stretched me, provided for me and never stopped challenging me  to trust, love and embrace this life he has blessed me with.  Here's to 2013!!

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I never grew tired of this view.

Love seeing my husband relaxed.  He is reading a book on his phone not texting.

The first morning.

Getting ready to hit the mountain on our last day.

So happy to be in the snow.

Breathtaking.

The road in.  Thankful for our trusty old Landcruiser.

The view from above was so inviting too.

Wishing this "cabin" was ours.

Last picture before we returned to reality.  Don't we look relaxed?

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When writing my last post, I was in a place of disappointment and sadness over the choices made by my children that directly opposed what they have been taught.  As I've had time to reflect and process, my emotions have gone from shock to sadness to anger to grief to acceptance.  Although it isn't the path I had hoped to walk as part of my parenting days, I've realized it certainly isn't the end of the world.  And I've also been convicted that, in many ways, I expected close to perfection from my children.  I think that subconsciously I felt that if given all the right tools, they would stay on the straight and narrow and have a way better head start in life than I had at their age. They would be honor roll, law abiding, God-fearing, example setting individuals.  This has proven to be not only a naive outlook but one filled with pride too.  Obviously one can never have too much humility.

Last week I dug out a book I remember reading a couple years ago that addressed some of the issues I am facing right now: "5 Conversations You Must Have With Your Son" by Vicki Courtney.  The author gave a beautiful example of how to not live in condemnation over your kids' choices. "As mothers, we like to think there is a tried and true formula that if applied consistently will bear out a positive end result.  The truth is, we can apply a formula or effective principles but in the end we can not control the outcome."  This was good for me to hear/read.  She goes on to say that no matter what path her sons choose, she will have fulfilled her assigned role."I have taken advantage of teachable moments when we sit at home, walk along the road, lie down, and get up. (Deut 6:7). Should they decide to forgo God's best in spite of my teaching and instruction, I will not shrug my shoulders and say, "Where did I go wrong?"  I will rest knowing I did all I could and continue to pray that their hearts would be sensitive and ripe to God's teaching." Although there is always room for improvement, as an older and wiser mom once told me, "Don't be so quick to take credit for their accomplishments nor blame for their failures."

Another reality that God showed me when I was in a place of anger was that I have no idea what it is like to be an American high school teenage boy in today's world. And I happen to have one who is in "the pressure cooker" as I call it.  The circle with the most influence but the one that rarely uses it the way you hope.   The enormous amount of pressure these boys endure everyday to do the right thing requires an excessive amount of self-control.  Everything that can cause them to take a wrong path is in front of them at every turn.  Pondering this gave me an immense amount of compassion for all of my sons and the battles they are faced with in a typical day. My expectations are really unrealistic if viewed through this lens.  And if we are honest with ourselves about our parenting culture, is it really any wonder our kids consider engaging in risky behavior?  Not only are they living in the pressure cooker at school, they are living under the microscope everywhere else.  Parents put their kids on pedestal and cater to their every whim. Their daily lives are so micromanaged and parents' lives revolve around their children to the point that life becomes all about the children.  There is no balance.  The kids instinctively can feel that they have the power to make or break their parents by their grades, their athletic performance and social skills.  This is way too much power for any adolescent to carry and many of them snap to cope with the pressure.  I'm not saying I haven't been guilty of this by any means just that it might do all of us well to take an inventory of this parenting trend that has now become a commonly accepted lifestyle.  I know that I don't want to give my kids that power or that vibe and I'm re-evaluating how I have caved to the culture myself.

So the 3-week social restriction has been lifted and a new chapter begins.  Praying that the lessons learned in this past chapter with serve all of us well in the new one.

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Before I was a parent, I filed away all the advice and words of wisdom I had heard and read over the years.  I took note of those who walked the path before me and decided what I would and wouldn't repeat when it was my turn.  After this week, I have come to terms with the fact (again) that I have a strong legalistic bend and still believe there is a formula that will result in a life of ease and comfort. Even though this has proved itself wrong over and over again, I still lean toward these patterns.  I have most recently been humbled by the judgmental attitude that exists in my heart toward others and their parenting styles. When I see kids make bad choices I always want to find a reason and the reason I find usually points back to the parents.  I have thought to myself "Well, what do they expect when they ___________________ (fill in the blank)??" Then how to I fill in that blank when the tables are turned???

What I have learned this week is that, as parents, we can give our kids all the right tools: setting boundaries and rules; knowing their friends and their friends' parents; keeping tabs on where they are and who they are with; training them in a spiritual faith and the knowledge of a Heavenly Father who loves them; praying for them daily; and keeping the lines of communication open.  Yet, in spite of all this, there are no guarantees because ultimately they need to decide who they want to be.  And even though the goal is independence and their faith and values have to become their own, it doesn't make it any less painful when they choose the opposite of what you have modeled.

One of the little tidbits I carried in the back of my mind was: "children who come from a broken home are twice as likely to engage in risky behavior."  I naively thought that since our two parent family is intact, my child would have no desire to make stupid decisions.  And yet he did.  Immediately, I went to "where did we go wrong?"  which is the most natural reaction, but I also needed to consider this crazy, mixed-up culture we are living in.  Yes, we can always improve our parenting and it is in constant need for readjustment. But when our kids are bombarded with these messages: "You can have whatever you want."  "You don't have to wait for anything."  "There are no consequences." "You don't have to feel pain." These are pretty tough lies to compete with on a daily basis.  We are fighting them ourselves and we have almost 30+ years on them.

 I don't think there is a mom or dad out there who didn't start their parenting journey without wanting their child/children not to repeat their story--more specifically the painful chapters of it. It is certainly with good intentions but, as I have found with my own story, that one big thing I don't want to see repeated ends up becoming my biggest fear.  And, in turn, I preach against it while I live in fear of it.  And 9 times out of 10, it still happens.  The war for our kids' hearts has definitely turned up a notch and it's time to re-evaluate our game plan.

We are definitely culpable in a lot of this current reality of ours and have acknowledged that to ourselves and to our son.  Our natural reaction, like his, is to hide and shrink back.  To live in denial and pretend that we don't have any issues.  But, as we said to him when he begged us not to go to the friends' parents, "we don't hide in this family.  We live in the truth and the light."  As painful and embarrassing as it is, it's always better to be authentic than pretend.  As he is seeing, there is a cost to that but one that ultimately will pay off in the future.

So you might be wondering why I'm not divulging details or identities if I am so committed to living in the light.  Believe me, I have thought and prayed about that.  But the details and identities don't matter because God knows what needs to be shared and with whom.  Much of it is not our right or role to play but our son's. And we need to be wise in protecting our family's privacy while we regroup.  One thing I hope this post does convey is that we are broken people living in a broken world in desperate need of a Savior. And it's always good to be reminded of that.  

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I remember once sitting in my moms' prayer group when one of my friends said: "Aww, c'mon admit it: the baby is always our favorite." She was dead serious.  Her youngest child is the one she is the most compatible with but it's part of the mom code that none of us ever utter the word "favorite."  That's reserved for the children when they are fighting with each other or trying to manipulate their parents with guilt and shame.  ("He's your favorite."  "I always knew she was your favorite.")

As kids we always remember using those phrases but they took on a different meaning when I became a parent. I think I can speak for most mothers when I say that we love all our children equally but we have a different relationship and a separate affinity with each individual child.  Being the middle child, I always thought my mom favored my younger sister because she gave in to her more often and the rules my parents were such sticklers about seemed to turn lax by the time the youngest was a teenager.  I now fully understand that you're just too tired by the third time around the mountain.  And you do react to situations differently because you know this child is your last.  You want to savor and hold onto every last moment of parenting. I have definitely experienced this firsthand with Ben.

To his brothers, Ben has the most coveted position in the family.  To Ben, it's the worst.  Being the youngest of three boys means being picked on, teased and tortured while watching your competitive siblings experience every rite of passage as you wait on the sidelines for your turn.  When your turn finally comes, it feels like forever has passed and your brothers respond with a "been there, done that."  What Ben probably won't realize until he's a father is that,  in addition to the above, he'll also get more patient, mature and easy going parents.  He'll have three years of being the only child with more resources to go around.  After watching his big brothers make their mistakes, he'll have the benefit of learning from his observations causing himself and his parents less heartache.  I'd say he won the lottery in the birth order gamble even though there may not be as many pictures of him in the scrapbook.

Aside from all the "favorite" talk, Ben is a pretty special guy and I'm so glad we get to celebrate 11 years of him being in our family.  He is conscientious, considerate, affectionate and kind.  I truly can't imagine life without his sweet disposition and giving heart.

You are a blessing to so many, Benjamin Davis and on October 28th you are definitely everyone's favorite birthday boy!  Especially mine.  P.S.: Don't tell your brothers.

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When October rolls around, inevitably the questions come: "What do you want for your birthday?"  "What do you want to do for your birthday?"  I hate being fussed over, I know how busy everyone is with their own lives and I never want to add one more chore to their to-do lists.  Not that celebrating a friend's birthday is a chore but you know what I mean.

This year I thought I'd beat everyone to the punch and host my own birthday gathering.  In this season of life, time, energy and resources seem to be in short supply.  It feels like during the chance meetings in the grocery store, on the field or at the school the conversation always ends with: "we should get together."  And then it never happens.  Next thing you know, another year has passed by.  So what better excuse to connect than a birthday?

I sat at the computer with the Evite site in front of me and made a list of the women in my life who make me laugh the most.  I love serious, deep conversation but my absolute favorite thing to do is laugh out loud.  This is what I wanted for my 45th birthday.  And with the craziness of fall, I knew this was just what we all needed on a stormy Saturday night.  I asked for no gifts, no one to bring food or drink but just to come with a funny card and their delightful selves and let ME celebrate THEM.  Seven out of nine ladies braved the elements and even my BFF from college drove two hours to be here--and brought her husband to play with Trey.

We had the best time eating, drinking and, of course, LAUGHING.  I  looked around the house at one point and saw many different spontaneous conversations happening and felt so grateful for the gift of these women and their faithful friendship to me. Being the good friends that they are, they indulged me in leaving their comfort zone to play a board game (another one of my loves)  full of semi-personal questions.  Knowing they could refuse to answer any question, we donned our bandanas, saddled up and spent the next 2 hours playing "Cowgirls Ride the Trail of Truth."  Everyone was a good sport and many times we had to regroup after ending up in tears of laughter.

This definitely lands on my Top Ten of the last 45 birthdays.

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Since we had so many family members in town for the big occasion, the occasion was begging for a tailgate party.  It was a perfect fall evening and we had a blast--and finally put that portable grill that we "just had to have" to use.  What a fun crowd!

Trey is grilling up the brats and hotdogs--Devin likes to supervise.

Lori & Makenna

Auntie Care and Brenda hit it off.

My mom and her BFF

Parker gives our tailgate party a Thumbs Up!

Our good friend Steve stopped by for some fun.

Parker personalized his finger for his cousin.

Mimi & Papa Jim's first high school football game.

We won!!

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