| Hope in a Boy's World

One of us goes to Hawaii, the rest go camping

Friday, June 29, 2012

I'm not sure I can recall a single camping experience in the Pacific Northwest when it didn't rain. Even if it's not in the forecast, precipitation will follow me. The last one was a doozy and we were not terribly prepared. I swore to write off camping and insisted that this was God's way of telling us we must buy an RV or, at the very least, a tent trailer. My husband and our budget did not share my logic.

Back in March we were spending an evening with some dear college friends when they said "you should come to Alta Lake with us." Trey jumped on the invitation and made a 5 day reservation that night. 5 nights? On the ground? In Washington state? 3 days has always been my limit. Knowing we could modify the reservation later, we went with the original plan. In early June I got a call from Sue, Quinn's friend Nick's mom. Seems they had secured a condo for a week in Kona, Hawaii and wanted Quinn to join them. Asking Quinn to choose between Hawaii and camping. Hmmm. Tough choice. Our first family vacation without one of our children was a disappointing prospect but I knew this was not only a chance of a lifetime but an inevitable part of my kids growing up. I needed to get used to the idea sometime.

Back to camping. As I begrudgingly helped pack for the adventure, I was brewing with self pity inside. When I looked at the forecast it wasn't typical June east-of-the mountains weather. Day 3 called for showers the entire day. That sounded like the perfect time to pack up and leave. I could do 3 days but enduring wet camping was not an option. We drove through a huge rain and windstorm for most of the way there, downed trees and wayward branches were everywhere. When we had to take a detour 30 miles into the drive, I decided it was a sign we needed to turn around and bag the whole idea. No dice. We soldiered on and arrived with plenty of daylight to set up our site and meet all of the 40 other people who were already there. I had no idea. I knew there would be another family or two but all in all there were 20 kids and 19 adults--most of whom had been friends for the last 10 years. Nothing like being outsiders. And 7 of the 9 families had fancy trailers or RV's while we would be slumming it in a tent. This was going to be a stretch for me.

After setting up and eating dinner, we ended up in Mike & Julie's RV and pretty soon it was full of half the other adults we had just met. Within a half hour, it felt like we had known these warm, friendly people for all our lives. They were so incredibly welcoming, fun and generous. No one cared that we were "newbies" or that we had nothing to offer by way of a boat, jet ski or other water toys. Even when the rain arrived on Tuesday, we set off into town and enjoyed a day of doing some "touristy" things and by the time we returned the storm had passed. Although we tossed around the idea of leaving on Wednesday, when we woke up to sunshine and blue skies, the decision was made for us.

I never thought I'd last five consecutive nights on the ground and actually be sad to leave a campground. (Although it was nice to sleep 10 hours in my own warm bed.) But it was more than the camping. It was the memories. Watching my kids make new friends, play hard and try new things was priceless. Having my husband completely unplugged from his phone and computer and totally relaxed for 6 full days was worth the inconvenience of recreating my kitchen on the dirt. Being warm, listening to constant laughter and ribbing of each other, sitting around the campfire and hanging out with normal people my own age was a heart filling treat. Although Quinn may have had an exotic vacation (and I'm always up for one of those), we had our own "vacation of a lifetime." Who would have thought? Not me.

Quinn, Nick, Ron and Sue ready to board their flight.

Quinn and Nick looking forward to "hanging loose" in Hawaii.

Our home for the next five days.

Jodie, waterfront director extraordinnaire, helping Ian get ready to wakeboard.

Darrell has thrown the rope. Time for action.

And he's up!

We put up our 60 foot tarp in preparation for the rain. From then on we were affectionately referred to as "Occupy Alta."

The only other "tenters" and our camping neighbors, Darrell & Shelli. Darrell threatened to get some white spray paint and deface our tarp. He was the daily comic relief. Love this couple.

The view from above.

At the top of the goat trail was this wonderful rugged cross.

Ben raced up the trail and enjoyed the view.

Where the teenagers gathered to play everyday.

How the other half lived. I had serious "RV envy."

Jodie, Carl and Darrell feeding the crowd their amazing fish tacos on our last night.

Instead of pulling his boat out to refuel, Jeff took care of business and was ready for the week.

Andy was such a saint and pulled everyone all day long behind his boat.

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Father's Day

Sunday, June 17, 2012

A man of strength, a man of pride, a man of courage, a man of wisdom and ideals, a man of faith, a man of honor.....Today is a day for celebrating....All that you are, all that you mean, and all that you've done for our family.

Happy Father's Day!

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In the home stretch

Monday, May 28, 2012

I see I haven't posted on here in over 3 weeks. I'd say that is an indication of how my life has not been my own this quarter. With just 3 days of classes left, I am feeling like I am on my downhill coast to the finish line. All major projects are behind me and it's now a matter of formalities and tying up loose ends. Two of the boys' spring soccer seasons are over and Trey is home for two straight months. Big. Huge. Exhale.

Midway through my longest stretch of being solo parent this quarter, I wondered why this spring was so much different than last. All the boys were in sports, I was in school and Trey was traveling a fair amount so why did this year feel so much more grueling. Every week I felt like I was living on auto-pilot and barely keeping my head above water. My house was a disaster, I rarely returned phone calls or spent time with anyone my age and one day just morphed into the next. Turns out there were major differences in all three categories this time around.

First, the kids' sports: Last year:Quinn's soccer season was over by mid-April and he had just one game a week on Saturdays. This year:: he was on the high school team with 2-3 games per week with most of them not starting until 5:30 p.m. To prolong the pain, they made it to post season which added another 3 weeks onto the schedule. Last year: Ian did track and practice was 3 days a week and done by 4:30. This year: their school schedule was altered to a dismissal time of 3:45. This meant not being done with practice until closer to 6:00. Last year: Ben's coach held practices twice a week 4-5:30. This year: a new coach who preferred practices from 6-7:30 two nights a week--one of them being Friday!

Second, my student life: Last year: I was taking 10 credits but my classes were only on Mondays and Wednesdays and the homework was minimal. This year: 16 credits, 4 classes, being on campus all day Monday-Thursday, a middle school practicum that called for an additional 40 hrs. in a classroom and a grueling unit plan assignment that, to date, I've spent at least 100 hours on.

Third, Trey's travel requirements: Last year: he did make it to the east coast four times in the spring but none of the trips encompassed a weekend of even 10 days. This year: he was gone every other week for 10 straight weeks. The shortest trip was 4 days and the longest was 10. Just when he adjusted to the time difference, he was heading back to the airport.

Just writing this makes me want to take a nap. In spite of the meltdowns, lack of sleep and non existent social life, we have all survived. 3 more days!

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Accepting my limitations

Thursday, May 3, 2012

"There are no limits except the sky." How many times have I heard that overly used cliche? Better yet, how often do I try and live that way? Unfortunately, I must admit that I have adapted this mantra for the better part of my 44 years--and it is now backfiring on me. Believe me, there have been many meltdowns from being overloaded but I always seem to meander back to my old ways. I make some changes but find myself back in the thick of an over scheduled life.

I have never been very good at operating within limits or setting limits for myself and others. I always thought it was because I wanted to be open to other options but I now see it's because I like being told how strong I am or how capable I am or how.... you fill-in-the blank. Because of my own insecurities and need for approval and affirmation, I have not strayed from this path of taking on more than I should, accommodating others' preferences, staying quiet about my own needs/desires and trying to be all things to all people. It is just not humanly possible--nor how I think God intends for us to live. This season of my life is actually turning out to be a gift as it's proving that I can't continue on this path unless I want to have a stroke or ruin what precious years I have left with my children. And, believe me, neither of those sound like good options right now.

I've realized that when you have shown the world you are someone who figures out a way to make things happen, initiate relationships, live life fully; prioritize others and have a "can do" attitude you will set yourself up for expectations--both internally and externally-- that are impossible to fulfill. (again, a byproduct of insecurity) As a result, bitterness and resentment rear their ugly heads and you lament over the fact that others aren't reading your mind, and offering help then you write on Facebook: "Three kids in three schools in three sports; a husband who is on the road more than he is home; and a 16 credit load quarter was not what I anticipated for this season and is about to send this chick over the edge. I apologize in advance if I am not very nice right now." (written in third person on purpose)

Then God, in his grace and mercy, sent this message to my inbox by way of a daily devotional email I barely took the time to read.
As mothers in the twenty-first century, we are tempted to meet every need that comes our way. But our primary job is to love the Lord, love our husbands, and nurture our children. All the other needs that scream for our attention, though they are noble, must wait until we take care of our families first.

I have heard this sentiment a million times before but, in my desperation, I am seeing it with a new set of eyes. And really, finally taking it to heart.

So how am I putting this into practice? Well, I had two opportunities just in the last hour. First, as I was sitting here on my laptop another string of emails (the list has gone around at least 10 times) came in requesting items for a Teacher Appreciation Week luncheon. I glanced at it and hit "delete." Not in this season. Second, the phone just rang and the voice on the other end was the PTA volunteer coordinator from the high school looking for parents to sit in on the AP tests tomorrow morning. I kindly told her "not in this season."

I know that pull will continue to be there every time another request comes my way but I have to remember whose approval it is I seek. And the limits He has naturally put on us are a blessing, for our good.

I think my new mantra will be "There ARE limits to what is humanly possible but NO limits to the number of times God will remind you of this."

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Spring quarter

Saturday, April 21, 2012

On my way home from day one of this quarter's classes, I got a text from Trey (who was in Alabama) asking "how were classes today?" My response: "I am sooooooo happy!!" I don't believe I uttered those words once during the entire 11 weeks of winter quarter. Everything the last term wasn't, this term is. Glory Hallelujah!

So what makes this time around so much better? In a word: everything. First, I am taking three Secondary Ed. classes instead of General Ed. Second, I have a friend in every single class. In fact, on the first two days every classroom I walked into had someone waving at me and saving me a seat. (you would not believe how competitive the seating issue is.) Last time around I could barely get anyone to look at me much less talk to me so this is such a welcomed change. I didn't realize how lonely I was. I need that human connection. Third, I get to do my intensive middle school practicum (40 hours in the classroom) with the most wonderful 6th grade teacher whose classroom I was in last quarter.She is energetic, organized and a grandmother of 14 so a classroom of 25 is a piece of cake for her. I am learning loads from just observing her twice a week. Fourth, along with that practicum, there are four of us who are crazy enough to love middle schoolers and we get to work on a project together and meet once a week with our amazing adviser. It is the highlight of my week. Last, I am only in class during the hours of 10-2 when the kids are in school. No 8 a.m. or 4 p.m. classes!! No scrambling to find rides for the boys when Trey goes out of town. No leaving for the night when everyone is coming home. No coming home at bedtime and getting up the next day at 6.

As I look back, I can see God's hand in all of this. Although last time around wasn't my favorite at least Trey only traveled once the entire three months. He and the boys were up at the mountain most every Saturday and Sunday so I was guaranteed at least one full day to catch up on homework. This time around is the opposite: Trey has been gone every other week and will continue to be for the remainder of the quarter. All three boys are doing a spring sport (this has never happened) and the weeks I am solo, Quinn has had at least two out of town games, my most demanding assignments are due and I'm guaranteed one quiz or exam that same week. If I had the class schedule, professors, classmates and subject matters similar to the previous three months, I don't think I could do this craziness. I'm so thankful God knew this. He really is concerned with every little detail of our lives.

Four weeks down, seven to go!!

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A Proud Mama Week

Monday, April 2, 2012

Having three kids rarely means there is a day, week or month when all of them are functioning on all cylinders at one time. Usually one is up, one is down and the other is somewhere in the middle. Last week was one of those rare times when everything clicked and boy was this mama's heart full.

Looking ahead at the calendar when I returned from my trip, I was not particularly thrilled about the upcoming 5 days. Trey had stayed behind in Alabama, I was starting spring quarter classes, Quinn had three "away" soccer games, Ian had his end-of-season wrestling tournament and Ben had two evening soccer practices that conflicted with all of the above. I put my head down and plundered through knowing I would have to be okay with asking for rides, serving cereal for dinner and missing parts or all of each event.

Fortunately, my first day of classes was fabulous (more on that in a later post) and Russ (our "manny") sent me a text saying that he didn't feel like his job was done until Trey returned so he would be available if we needed anything. Boy did I ever need to take him up on that offer. Between classes on Wednesday I got a text that Quinn was in the counselor's office having a tough day. I can't go into details but suffice it say that sometimes a teacher's sarcasm doesn't mix with a teenager's fragile emotions. That evening after his game, he was pulled aside and asked to play in the varsity game on Friday. His excitement was quickly deflated when his J.V. teammates got word and told him it was only because the team would be missing players due to the start of spring break. Nice.

That evening Ian had three matches. Now this is a kid who isn't terribly competitive, eschews team sports and hasn't hit his growth spurt. But he has played his heart out all season long for only one win. I feared lots of tears both during and after matches along with threats of quitting. I am happy to report none of this happened. He was ahead by a lot going into the third round of his first match when his opponent pinned him. The second and third rounds he was the one doing the pinning and the tournament ended on a very high note. I couldn't have been prouder of his attitude, work ethic and overall respect for his teammates and their coach. He ended his inaugural season a winner in my book.

The next day Ben came home with his second trimester report card. He was a little upset because his percentages went down a little in two subjects and said "I'm definitely not getting high honor roll this next time." I know that it's a lot easier to start out of the gate fast and furious but maintaining that pace is really tough for most people. Ben is so hard on himself that he rarely needs any prodding to do homework or study so I encouraged him to keep doing his best. After he walked away, I picked up the paper to read it myself and of course went straight to the teacher's comments section. Her words were music to my ears: "Ben always displays a happy spirit! What stands out the most is his genuine acceptance of others and highly engaged attention." That is worth more than a 100% to me any day.

Friday night was the creme de la creme of the week. We headed out to Quinn's game and as soon as we pulled into the school parking lot, the skies let loose. Trey assured me it would blow over but as the minutes ticked by we donned our raincoats, grabbed our umbrellas and trekked out to the fields. It was worse than a torrential downpour and I was cursing the lack of spring in the Northwest and questioning why my kids don't play indoor sports. Quinn was playing the first half in the J.V. game and the second half with the Varsity guys. He was so nervous that he even left the house 30 minutes earlier than the bus was going to be at the school so he was "good and warmed up." I know the flack he was getting from the upperclassmen and his own teammates was bothering him. I prayed for him and his confidence and left it with God. What happened next was beyond my wildest dreams.

As the second half began, they were down 2-0 to a team they were predicted to beat handily. With 20 minutes left they scored as the goalie slid the wrong direction. Since Quinn was still on the bench, I continued watching the J.V game with some other moms when Ben informed me "They're putting Quinn in." Next thing I knew they had scored a second goal and we were now tied. Quinn was totally holding his own and keeping great control of the ball as a midfielder. With 7 minutes left, the ball was passed to him, he booted it from 25 yards out and into the net it went. It was an unbelievable moment. The other team never got down to the other end of the field and our team was able add another tally to the win column. The next morning's paper had a short article about the game. Here's a link to the next day's article. What a redeeming end to a tough start of a week.

I always feel proud of my kids regardless of how they perform because I know it's how you handle the adversity that truly reveals your character. But I also know that having some victories along the way really helps to buoy you through those trying times. Weeks like this are the moments I cherish.

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Spring Break in the Carolinas

Sunday, April 1, 2012

In the last two years, Trey has probably been in the southeast no less than 6 times for work. Every time he reports on the warm sunshine or calls me while he's making his daily order at the Chick-fil-A drive thru, I seethe with jealousy. Back at the beginning of the year when he was planning out his travel schedule I asked if he could plan one that coincided with my school's spring break. Turns out he had to visit Greenville, South Carolina along with some other towns along the way and had to fly in and out of Charlotte. We were in business!!

It was not difficult in the least to leave yet another springtime snowfall and head south for a week. Everytime I land there, I feel like a missing part of my heart has found its way back home. I know it sound cheesy but I just love being in that part of the country. Maybe it's because that is where we started our family. Maybe it's because the values I hold dear are still important to the general population. Maybe it's because I crave the heat. It's probably a combination of all these. Whatever the reason, it was so nice to be back there and enjoy sweet tea, warm evenings, amazing shopping sans Canadians, hearing "yes, ma'am" or "how may I serve you?" and not being on a schedule.

A couple highlights of our trip was a mini-reunion with dear friends from Trey's childhood days in Columbia, South Carolina. When I had talked with them over Christmas, they told me that they heard Trey was traveling to the south a lot and the next time he was in town, they wanted to see him--even if they had to drive an hour or two to meet him. When I knew I was going to join him, we connected and worked out a time and a place to meet for dinner. Trey's parents made an even longer hike (7 hours) and were able to join us too. It was a wonderful evening and didn't feel like 11 years had passed since we had all been together. At the end of our week, Trey had a meeting outside of Asheville, North Carolina which feels like the "Bellingham of the south." on a larger scale. It's an artsy, hippie-like place tucked into the Blue Ridge mountains with cute shops and funky restaurants galore. We ended up staying just outside of the town but enjoyed it on our way back to Charlotte. The night before my flight we got to see our dear friends Lisa and Joe for dinner. It was Joe's birthday and he had no idea were coming so our knock at the door was a total surprise. They had friends visiting from Charleston and we all got along famously and enjoyed takeout from my favorite Charlotte restaurant, Mama Ricottas.

The boys were well taken care of by my mom for the first 3 days and our friend Russ, who is like a big brother to the kids, for the remainder of the week. One thing I was anticipating upon my return was that I would not get the "Mommy's home!!!!" welcome that I had the last time we had been on a plane and flown across the country away from them--5 years ago. They were 5, 8 and 9 back then. Days when we still had a lot of influence and they were still dependent on us. Those days are definitely behind us. Trey had to stay behind for the following week so I came home alone. When I walked in the door, Ian and his posse of fellow mountain bike riders were all helping themselves to various meals. One was making grilled cheese sandwiches, another was munching down on potato chips and Mountain Dew and my son was downloading their biking videos on the computer. The amount of dog hair coating the hardwood floors could have filled a pillowcase, crushed Mountain Dew and Dr. Pepper cans were on every table within view and the general smell of the house exuded excessive amounts of testosterone. My first thought was "now I understand why the Lord said "it is not good for man to be alone." This house needed some serious estrogen infusion. And how. Quinn & Russ were out on a hike and Ben was kicking back in the basement watching soccer. At least Millie was happy to see me. After I unpacked and showered, I came back in the kitchen and noticed a pot roast in the crockpot so all was not lost.

I'm so thankful for the time away to reconnect with my hubby but there's nothing better than coming home.

After a wonderful dinner at Bonefish Grill. Love these friends so much!

I loved the steam rising from the rushing river along the Blue Ridge Parkway.

More sights along the Blue Ridge.

This was my favorite meal of the whole trip: Shrimp and Grits with a Lobster cream sauce. To. Die. For.

I just love covered bridges.

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Six down, four to go

Monday, March 12, 2012

I can feel the stress leaving my body as I put together my final project-- which is due in 5 hours. Living life under deadline steals my joy. To constantly have something hanging over my head puts me in a state of constant irritability. You would think it might be easier as time goes on but I have been a student now for 18 months and instead it feels harder. Maybe it's just that the heat gets turned up when you get closer to your goal. Everything in you wants to throw in the towel. Many times I have wanted to raise the white flag and say "Forget this. It's not worth it." But when I look back with another quarter behind me, there is a huge sense of satisfaction that I overcame the challenge.

In spite of how grueling the last 11 weeks have been, I have learned a huge lesson in empathy. I hate how it always takes going through similar struggles to understand others' pain but it seems to be the only way.

When I say empathy, I am talking about how it feels to be a minority. I must admit I have been calloused to the battlecry of the non-white community. I have always had the impression that all our country's resources of time and money were being prioritized to those whose ancestors didn't immigrate from Europe and therefore they shouldn't be complaining. What I have realized is that time and money don't solve the issue of feeling left out. Entering a culture so vastly different from your own is an exercise in strength and self confidence. And let me tell you, it's hard to hold on to either when you spend day after day with people who have no interest in getting to know you. It is incredibly lonely. I may not be a minority in terms of my skin color but in every other subject. I don't have much in common with the majority of people on campus due to my marital status, my parental status, my political leanings, my religious beliefs--all the values I hold dear are not often shared by those I interact with on a daily basis. I can somewhat understand what it must feel like for the 8-10% of my fellow students who don't fit the stereotype either.

I don't know exactly what I'm supposed to do with this revelation but I'm glad I've made the discovery. I hope I will remember next quarter when, unlike this quater,I have like-minded friends in my classes, that I will make an effort when I sense someone is feeling excluded. I know this is all preparing me for what I will face in my classroom. So instead of looking back on these 3 months with disdain, I will file it away as another lesson learned and remember what I've said from the beginning: this is about so much more than the degree.

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So glad we made the switch

Friday, February 10, 2012

By the end of Ben's second grade year we knew something had to give. The poor kid was not having the elementary school experience his big brothers had. There were numerous reasons and, in the grand scheme of things, he could have done fine but we felt led to move him to our local private Christian school. (Talk about eating crow and "never say never") That year was the school's 50th anniversary and they were offering $99/month scholarships to 50 families for the first year at the school. Almost a fifth of what their normal tuition would be. We definitely weren't rolling in it but knew we could curtail a few items from our budget and find a hundred bucks.

Because Ben had attended there for preschool, we knew and recognized many families at the back-to-school barbecue. The first question I was asked over and over was "what about your other boys? Just Ben?" I couldn't resist. My typical response was: "Ben's the only one we're raising Christian. The other two are experiments." The look on their face was priceless. Seriously though I knew there would be a difference in sending one of our children to a school where everything we are teaching our children and everything we value is reinforced in the classroom. As opposed to the public domain where virtually the opposite happens. But I also knew that we were led down a different path with the other two boys and I have to trust God with that.

Last year was a bit of a tough transition. After being on the same schedule as his big brothers, it wasn't easy to switch gears to a different calendar, different start and end times and no school bus. Ben is a rough and tumble physically active boy and he struggled t0 find many other male classmates who shared his love for sports during recess. (But he did find a tomboy who has 3 brothers and can totally hold her own. They have a total love/hate relationship, of course.) He really missed his friends and teammates from the previous years but it seemed like he saw them just as much, if not more, than he did when they were at the same school. In spite of the minor disappointments, I still knew we made the right decision.

When the tuition bill came in August for the first installment for the 2011-12 school year, I believe my heart skipped a beat. Even though I knew it was coming, there was still a bit of panic. In that moment I could feel God whispering, "just trust me. I led you down this path and I will take care of the details." If you know me very well, then you also know that trusting God with finances has been a lifelong battle for me and yet I had such peace about it. I truly saw it as an investment in Ben's eternal future, not a sacrifice of all the material extras that vie for my attention and wallet.

I'm happy to say that we haven't doubted our decision for one minute. Fourth grade year will definitely go down in history as the "banner year" for Ben. I had heard all about Ms. M. from parents who had gone before me. If you have school age children then you know that rarely is there a teacher that some parent doesn't have a beef with. I have yet to find one in this case. After day one of this school year, I haven't heard one negative comment from Ben. In fact, I think there might even be a little schoolboy crush going on here.

December is when I saw such confirmation that these were the perfect surroundings for Ben. I was at the school helping with a book fair during the after school shift. I happened to be standing in the hallway where the students walk by on their way out to the carpool pick up line. Ben had come down with the stomach flu the previous night so wasn't at school that day. As his class passed me by, one little girl turned around and said, "Oh, how's Ben feeling?" Immediately another boy said, "Hey, how was your final?" (Apparently Ben shared this concern as his prayer request that week.) If this isn't evidence of Ms. M. building a classroom community, I don't know what is.

The icing on the cake came just a couple weeks ago. I was helping Ben with his homework. He had a quiz the following day on Bible knowledge. I looked over the worksheet on prophets before I asked the questions. One of the fill-in-the-blanks was "If you were on the playground with a friend and he asked you why you believe in God, what would you say?" His answer: "Because all of the prophecies I have read about have all come true and I can just feel it in my heart!" Isn't that absolutely precious???

I could go on and on but I'll just say I am so incredibly glad we made the switch.

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More than halfway there

Wednesday, February 8, 2012

I know I haven't posted a thing about this quarter--and with good reason. Let me just start by saying that I am so happy it's the shortest quarter of the year (11 weeks) and I'm even happier that it's more than half over. (We are in the middle of week 6!)

After fall quarter, I was convinced that my second-time-around college career would continue to be rosy. It never crossed my mind that every professor and every subject from here on out wouldn't be anything but dynamic, engaging and mentally stimulating. After spending 12 weeks with a really special group of secondary education students, I was sure that all my classmates would be equally as fun and friendly. Boy, was I wrong.

In my previous college life, winter quarter was never my favorite. Not only is it my least favorite season, it always seemed to be the term that only the most boring of subjects were taught and usually at the worst possible times of the day: 8:00 a.m. and/or 4:00 p.m. Leaving in the dark and coming home in the dark is not something I jump up and down about. It would be easier to stomach if I was excited about what I was experiencing on campus.

So what's the difference this time? For one, last quarter I had two courses that I was required to take during my first term. Same with 16 other fellow secondary ed. students. This combination made for a natural comraderie within the classroom. No one person dominated the discussions and it was a true learning community. This quarter there are also two mandatory courses to be completed by the end of my second term. The difference is that all education majors take these classes, not just those interested in teaching grades 5-12. And there are 45 of us, not 16. It's hard to facilitate discussion and one or two students typically dominate or parrot the professor's views. Second, I'm taking my first class on how to teach English to middle and high school students. The class is at 8:00 a.m. so I'm leaving for campus at "dark 0'clock". The desks are jam packed into the room. The professor gives no potty break for the entire two hours and the cup of coffee I downed on the bus can't last in my bladder that long. And the set up of the material doesn't lend itself to much interaction between the students. Third, on the two days I'm in class from 8-2, I go straight from the bus stop to help with a reading tutoring program until 4:00. After leaving the house at 7:10 a.m., it just makes for a really long day. Finally, I have a 1 credit technology class that I'm taking online that uses more of my time than at least two of the other three classes combined. I have had every single assignment returned to me for the most nit picky reasons. ARGH!

All is not lost though. There is always a silver lining. Last quarter I met two of the most lovely young ladies. I posted about them back in November. Although we have no classes together, the two of them are together most every day. Just about every week I hear from one or both of them and we connect on campus or at a coffee shop for a quick check-in. They lift my spirits and put a smile on my face on the darkest of days. A couple days ago I got text from one of them asking if I could meet her because she made me something. She took one of my family pictures off Facebook and did the coolest sketch of us. On the back she wrote, "I hope you are in my life forever!" This is what keeps me going. The relationships. The true heart connections. And I suspect this is the same thing that will keep me going when I have my own classroom. There will be days, weeks or even months when I may strongly dislike my job and one special student will appear with a sweet note like this or a parent may send me a message thanking me for what I've done in a child's life. Then, just like now, it will make the bad days pale in comparison.

I'm holding on to that. And that I only have 28 more days until finals....not that I'm counting or anything.

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