Archive for May 2012
I see I haven't posted on here in over 3 weeks. I'd say that is an indication of how my life has not been my own this quarter. With just 3 days of classes left, I am feeling like I am on my downhill coast to the finish line. All major projects are behind me and it's now a matter of formalities and tying up loose ends. Two of the boys' spring soccer seasons are over and Trey is home for two straight months. Big. Huge. Exhale.
Midway through my longest stretch of being solo parent this quarter, I wondered why this spring was so much different than last. All the boys were in sports, I was in school and Trey was traveling a fair amount so why did this year feel so much more grueling. Every week I felt like I was living on auto-pilot and barely keeping my head above water. My house was a disaster, I rarely returned phone calls or spent time with anyone my age and one day just morphed into the next. Turns out there were major differences in all three categories this time around.
First, the kids' sports: Last year:Quinn's soccer season was over by mid-April and he had just one game a week on Saturdays. This year:: he was on the high school team with 2-3 games per week with most of them not starting until 5:30 p.m. To prolong the pain, they made it to post season which added another 3 weeks onto the schedule. Last year: Ian did track and practice was 3 days a week and done by 4:30. This year: their school schedule was altered to a dismissal time of 3:45. This meant not being done with practice until closer to 6:00. Last year: Ben's coach held practices twice a week 4-5:30. This year: a new coach who preferred practices from 6-7:30 two nights a week--one of them being Friday!
Second, my student life: Last year: I was taking 10 credits but my classes were only on Mondays and Wednesdays and the homework was minimal. This year: 16 credits, 4 classes, being on campus all day Monday-Thursday, a middle school practicum that called for an additional 40 hrs. in a classroom and a grueling unit plan assignment that, to date, I've spent at least 100 hours on.
Third, Trey's travel requirements: Last year: he did make it to the east coast four times in the spring but none of the trips encompassed a weekend of even 10 days. This year: he was gone every other week for 10 straight weeks. The shortest trip was 4 days and the longest was 10. Just when he adjusted to the time difference, he was heading back to the airport.
Just writing this makes me want to take a nap. In spite of the meltdowns, lack of sleep and non existent social life, we have all survived. 3 more days!
"There are no limits except the sky." How many times have I heard that overly used cliche? Better yet, how often do I try and live that way? Unfortunately, I must admit that I have adapted this mantra for the better part of my 44 years--and it is now backfiring on me. Believe me, there have been many meltdowns from being overloaded but I always seem to meander back to my old ways. I make some changes but find myself back in the thick of an over scheduled life.
I have never been very good at operating within limits or setting limits for myself and others. I always thought it was because I wanted to be open to other options but I now see it's because I like being told how strong I am or how capable I am or how.... you fill-in-the blank. Because of my own insecurities and need for approval and affirmation, I have not strayed from this path of taking on more than I should, accommodating others' preferences, staying quiet about my own needs/desires and trying to be all things to all people. It is just not humanly possible--nor how I think God intends for us to live. This season of my life is actually turning out to be a gift as it's proving that I can't continue on this path unless I want to have a stroke or ruin what precious years I have left with my children. And, believe me, neither of those sound like good options right now.
I've realized that when you have shown the world you are someone who figures out a way to make things happen, initiate relationships, live life fully; prioritize others and have a "can do" attitude you will set yourself up for expectations--both internally and externally-- that are impossible to fulfill. (again, a byproduct of insecurity) As a result, bitterness and resentment rear their ugly heads and you lament over the fact that others aren't reading your mind, and offering help then you write on Facebook: "Three kids in three schools in three sports; a husband who is on the road more than he is home; and a 16 credit load quarter was not what I anticipated for this season and is about to send this chick over the edge. I apologize in advance if I am not very nice right now." (written in third person on purpose)
Then God, in his grace and mercy, sent this message to my inbox by way of a daily devotional email I barely took the time to read.
As mothers in the
twenty-first century, we are tempted to meet every need that comes our way. But
our primary job is to love the Lord, love our husbands, and nurture our
children. All the other needs that scream for our attention, though they are
noble, must wait until we take care of our families first.
I have heard this sentiment a million times before but, in my desperation, I am seeing it with a new set of eyes. And really, finally taking it to heart.
So how am I putting this into practice? Well, I had two opportunities just in the last hour. First, as I was sitting here on my laptop another string of emails (the list has gone around at least 10 times) came in requesting items for a Teacher Appreciation Week luncheon. I glanced at it and hit "delete." Not in this season. Second, the phone just rang and the voice on the other end was the PTA volunteer coordinator from the high school looking for parents to sit in on the AP tests tomorrow morning. I kindly told her "not in this season."
I know that pull will continue to be there every time another request comes my way but I have to remember whose approval it is I seek. And the limits He has naturally put on us are a blessing, for our good.
I think my new mantra will be "There ARE limits to what is humanly possible but NO limits to the number of times God will remind you of this."
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